86 The Dating Apps

Recently I made a decision to set my dating apps on fire. They were turning me into a cretin person lacking depth, substance and a genuine interest in the welfare of other people. I felt myself turning into a self absorbed narcissist. At one point I started saying Top G and was looking at studio apartments in Romania – that’s an obscure reference. If you get it, good work.

So below I’ve transcribed a human interaction I had with a total stranger while on my way back from breakfast. Be patient as the first lines of dialogue are with my roommate and pal, Nick…..Who I’d date the shit out of but has made it very clear that I’m human garbage whose sole purpose in life is to exterminate house flies with the new Bug A Salt 3.0 that he purchased for me for my 29th birthday – image depicted.

EXTERIOR - DAY

Nick, Jon and Kyle are walking back from brunch. Kyle is pretty baked because he woke up with a hangover and does not like to feel pain or discomfort.

KYLE (To Nick)

I like to pretend to be having insane conversations just as I’m walking by a total stranger. Watch.

The group walks by three people.

KYLE Yeah I don’t know what I'm going to do with my life. My horse died today.

The group snickers (like a laugh. Not becoming chocolate/nugget). Just then a pretty blonde girl walks out of a store looking frazzled. She’s wearing a nurse costume but it isn’t halloween. Oh, she’s a nurse, duh.

KYLE (To Nurse).

How was work?

NURSE

Ass.

KYLE

Well we appreciate all that you do for us. NURSE

Thank you. What do you do?

Kyle reads her reciprocity and gets excited. This is your moment, he thinks. Say something clever, make her laugh and ask her out on a date.

KYLE I’m in Sales…..saving lives, ya know?

The nurse chuckles.

KYLE

Wanna go on a date with me sometime?

NURSE

No. I’m not in the mood.

KYLE

I appreciate your candor.

NURSE

I’m just way too busy right now. KYLE I get it.

A moment dripping in awkwardness lingers.

KYLE

My horse died today tho.

FADE TO BLACK/ROLL CREDITS

No. I’m not in the mood.

KYLE

I appreciate your candor.

NURSE

I’m just way too busy right now. KYLE I get it.

A moment dripping in awkwardness lingers.

KYLE

My horse died today.

I try to do this as often as possible for a few reasons:

1. Fear is the enemy and living in fear is a very good way to be shackled in misery.

2. I want wifey and I to have a great story to tell my grandparents

3. The feeling of getting rejected is WAY better than wondering what could have happened.

4. I've gone on some interesting dates doing this.

5. She'll be back