Dear American Airlines,
I’m reaching out to thank you for the great experience I had traveling with you all lately :)
Destination weddings are fun but being a prisoner of war in the airport is way more enjoyable. I like how you’re differentiating yourselves from most airlines who choose to be transparent and communicate the truth with their customers. Your business model is a lot better – lie to the people and tell them the aircraft will be fixed momentarily and that there is no need to panic or switch airlines to make your family member’s wedding.
I had the pleasure of relaxing in the airport for two consecutive days while my entire extended family enjoyed seeing one another after a two year period of being apart - I like watching all of these eternal memories being made through a digital screen FAR more than actually experiencing them – hugs, laughter dancing and outdoor activities pale in comparison to anxiously waiting to sit on a tube with zero legroom and underpaid flight attendants asking if I want an orange juice during our descent :)
I also wanted to tip my hat to your employees who forced me to check a bag smaller than a sack of walnuts. I’ve been bathing in my own filth, rotting in my own designated section of this POW Camp.
The $12 food voucher was also very generous. Some people were asking things like “What the fuck am I supposed to subsist off of for 48 hours with a measly $12 coupon at an airport with no restaurants open.” You can’t please everyone. Don’t worry, I had your back and encouraged them to exercise the only option they had – buying an $11 glass of tequila to numb their olfactory sense so as not to breathe in the nefarious ROT that was their dumpster fire physical essence.
Anyway, I should get running. The literal 7th delay/cancellation just got announced and I have to go swallow a brick of anthrax.
My death is on your hands,
Kyle
Comments