I’m in my Pennsylvania home, I’m on a couch, I just watched a million different people on the internet, doing a million different things that are cooler than what I’m doing right now - always a mistake. I want more. I want to see more places and be seen and loved by more people. I want to be swimming in a sea of gold and silver even though that sounds like it would be painful on the limbs…..like….even swimming in a sea of water can be painful if the waves hit you hard enough. Maybe I’ll just take the gold and silver and keep it in a bank or dungeon of my choosing instead of trying to swim around in it. Better yet, I’ll take one of those monkey NFTs the Kardashians and successful DJs seem to be raving about….I digress – back to melancholy. I’d really like to be known for something but I don’t know what I should or can be known for.
What’s worse is that these feelings are not unique in any way – kings and peasants have been fumbling with these thoughts for millennia. It’s the plight of mankind. And here’s the thing: I’m aware that the very thing I pine for will not slake this thirst. What’s worse is that I know what makes me feel better: Sobriety, God, a life of structure, pouring myself into others, giving back, the pursuit of adventure. I HAVE A SOLUTION! The potion exists. I’ve lived this life and I know that it works…and yet, conversely, I hear a whisper, a beckoning to join in the mad pursuit of a doomed life of wanting; knowing, full well that it will never satisfy. I know this because I look back on earlier years where I knew for certain that, “once this or that has been achieved or ascertained,” I’d be able to rest. And yet, once those x’s, y’s and z’s were devoured, a newfound appetite for L’s, W’s and P’s emerged. And so began a vicious cycle of poisonous alphabet soup consumption. This is the human condition – a disease for which I have a solution but feel paralyzed by it’s application. Why? I don’t know. And I fear that, like a protagonist in a 2007 Family Dramedy, I’ll wake up one day saying something akin to, “I can’t help but wonder what would have been if I had…..”
Now it’s early February.
I lay on a downhill slope in my shower caddy sized “room” in Burlington Vermont. Yes, you read that correctly – the room is on a slant and there is precisely enough room to fit a toothbrush, toothpaste, a bar of soap, dental floss and my minoxidil drops which keep my hair dense like Costa Rican foliage during the wet season. The left side of my body feels as though it’s sagging and I can’t help but grow concerned that I’ll never find true love because of my horrid asymmetry – my right side strong and dense like a Whole Foods Meatloaf. The left, sagging and withered like a damp, rotting turnip.
The sentiments I expressed about home are still lingering. This little hovel I call home for the next month is forcing me to confront these thoughts. I typically race off or skate away from these thoughts by distracting myself. Other verbs could include: tiptoe away, jet, ignore, STERNLY REBUFF, or even slink away…..everyone loves a slinky….a slinky.
A life of constant stimulation and “downtime is the enemy” thinking seems to be problematic. I knew that this bullishness with “Stillness” needed to be addressed several months ago. Being the radical that I am, I booked a trip to Vermont during the coldest month of the year in an effort to escape. It’s funny because the second I got here, I felt myself frenetically scanning the horizons for the very things I was trying to escape – stimulation, distraction, frozen foods with high levels of sodium. So I took to the bars, downloaded some dating apps and started watching “Mayor of Kingstown,” on Paramount Television, which is not the same show as “The Mare of Eastown,” which runs on HBO…………..
What I find to be intriguing is that all of those attempted distractions almost forcibly fell by the wayside. It dropped to a negative 12 degree evening making it challenging to “go out.” My internet started taking a shit so I could no longer stream “The Mayoret of Eastkingsingtown,” streaming on Paranetviomax. Dating apps…..suddenly…..kept working because I’m a strong 7.8 out of ten…..8.2 if I’m tan and eating a dense, fiber-rich diet with a kombucha at lunch every day. The point is, beauties, I feel like I am being forced to introspectively scan my human essence in hopes of understanding why I’m so terrified of slowing down or missing out.
This will be an ongoing battle between the forces of good and evil. Unfortunately, for me, my default appears to be on the dark side. I don’t know why this is. I didn't lose my beloved Padmé to childbirth. I’m not not a 4’ tall shireman sojourning to a fiery mountain side with a ring suffused with vitriol dangling from my neck and I’m certainly not a large T-rex inherently angry at humans going on jeep tours across the countryside. I’m sure there’s some stuff deeply lodged in the ole’ subconscious that impacts this, but right now that seems besides the point. What helps is stoking the flames on the other end of the spectrum.
So what’s helping?
The present moment. Rather than wondering where or with whomever else I could be, I’ll strive to stoke the flames of the here and now– this is where I should be, with this person or here alone. Even if it appears to be insignificant – I need to embrace “insignificance.” Whatever that stupid word means. For some reason, quiet and stillness have been distorted over time to represent something bad. Unfortunately, living in a world of technological ubiquity means that you are PERPETUALLY exposed to “Everyone having the time of their lives doing the greatest things to ever occur.” This is a lie.
Kissing strangers on the mouth no matter how often they tell me that it’s a TOTAL violation of personal space…..they will come around. This is helping.
Rekindling creativity as an outlet to express these tumultuous feelings. I’ve grown very low over the past year, creatively, asking myself, “why even create,” during an age where everyone is a “creator”. Am I doing this for art or to simply pander to the masses in hopes of acceptance. The truth is that it could be some of both. Again, try to flex the side that matters most. Don’t let it die just because there “Might be some poor intentions behind it.”
Bacon Grease in a coffee mug.
Absorbing REAL ART that provokes, enlightens and fosters growth opposed to willingly allowing myself to be sucked into a vortex of superficial glitter, glammer, gaudiness and another surface letter “G Word.”
A couple of motha fuckin’ beers here and there, mai boi.
Going for long walks, forcing myself to listen to the breeze, feel the cold on my face and welcoming God’s presence.
Absolutely RIPPING through fresh powder days on the new Bataleon Party Wave setup that I purchased recently….I love toys.
Prioritizing emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health.
Dove Soap Saving money and going on trips that allow for these thought provoking experiences – no matter how violently uncomfortable they make you. I’ve noticed that too much time in one place can often give way to stagnancy. Sometimes it’s helpful to uproot yourself and just….be somewhere else.
And finally, and most importantly, Sneaking my nose out of my mask in public places with mask signs cuz I'm a naughtly little rule breaker who loves to defy Daffy Old Joe Budden.
Tell me what’s helping you fight against the darkness. I love you lots.
Sincerely,
Your Friend Kyle
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