Instacart Gave Me My Life Back

Dear Instacart,

I recently received an email from you all asking, “How Did We Do?” So I’d like to tell you.

A few weeks ago I was referred to you by a dear friend of mine, Mikelle Masciantonio. She has been an advocate of your platform, amassing either dozens or hundreds of new customers for you all. After just one experience with Instacart, I knew the relationship would be eternal. In fact, I ended up confessing my love for the product in a drunken stupor in a voicemail to Mikelle. I took the liberty of transcribing the voicemail, below: “So Bravo on that front. Um. Shit there’s my first filler word. I have to start going back to toastmasters. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I just used Instacart for the first time…and I am blown away. Five stars, going to write a review. User interface, 10/10. Ease of use 10/10. EXPEDIENCY 10/10. I signed up for the $100 premium subscription within five minutes. Your boi is a fucking belieeeeever.”

You see, Instacart marketing intern, this technology has radically transformed my life. As an artist with a full time job, burgeoning social life and crippling addiction to immersing myself into another person’s narrative (television/film) I almost never have enough time to do what I love….write. By switching to Instacart, I’ve saved several hours a week shopping. Sure I miss the process of squeezing an inordinate amount of avocados in public, tirelessly, only to give the ripe one to a pretty girl, whispering “this one’s not too hard or too soft…I want you to have it.” And then she says, “why are you whispering? This is a Publix, not a library. Too many people whisper in grocery stores.” And then I’d shout at the top of my lungs, “THIS AVOCADO WOULD BE GREAT TO EAT TOMORROW!!!!” And she gets startled and I watch her scurry away. You’d think I totally ruined my shot, BUT I tossed the avocado into her purse with the last four numbers of my phone number ingrained into the outer shell. Fellas, Don’t want to give the full number out because that would be too desperate….If she truly loves me, she’ll find the other six….she’ll call.

I am also writing to you, marketing associate (you’ve been promoted in four minutes) because I need to get something off of my chest. Since you are literally my best friend and one of the best listeners I know, I feel semi comfortable sharing this with you - please reserve judgment when I tell you this – your analytics have indicated that I save an estimated 6 hours a week shopping by using your platform. I am embarrassed to admit that, since I began using Instacart, not a single hour of that time has been dedicated to writing. Instead, I’ve spent it devouring Star Wars: Clone Wars, The Peaky Blinders Season 6 (those eyes Tommy), Flight Attendant (why am I attracted to train wrecks) and worst of all……spending time thinking about what I do not have opposed to what I should be thankful for. Candidly, Mariah The Marketer, this makes me….well….sad. What good is a Landscape altering application like Instacart if the time saved just gets redirected into a vortex of more wasted time? It’s like this – There are two rats racing through a maze for a block of Manchego Cheese at the finish line. Their lives are nothing but fast paced and rapacious greed. They go and they go and they go until one day they are plucked from the tedium of their monotonous and purposeless lives and they are placed into the open world only to continue to run and run and run instead of doing something great like living in a Chef’s hat and creating fine Italian cuisine by yanking on the Chef’s hair…..I feel like the Chef in that metaphor – being controlled by a bubonic RAT – how did you like that redirection, Instagram Apprentice? Be honest, did I get you? Did you think I was talking about the rat? I did until the final moment. Answer me please. Okay you’re mad, I get it. You’re mad that I’ve squandered the amount of time given back to me in this precious life. I was vulnerable with you about my weakness and you judged me like all of my previous therapists did. Whatever, you’re lucky you’re a wizard when it comes to Pay Per Click, Content Marketing, Blogging, Search Engine Optimization and Customer Acquisition Cost or CAC. But here’s the truth – I’m upset with my personal lack of zeal as well. You are justified for your reproving look down your blue light glasses. “Lack of time” was an unjustifiable excuse for a lack of productivity…..until now. You’ve illuminated that it is me and me alone who is responsible for my prosaic state.

I guess at the end of the day, I can’t hate you. After all, you’re just the manifestation of how I feel about myself and what I want to do differently. So thank you. I’ll check back in shortly with what I hope to be positive updates. Sincerely,

You/me/us