Waterworks Part 2

I’m curious to learn how other people expel tears from their look holes. For me, it’s a long build up from constant repression. I’ll stuff it down for so long and find out that my Atlanta Breeze Card for the MARTA needs to be replenished with a few bucks to get to work and suddenly deluges will come roaring from my ducts. For me, The Salty Spit Dance rears its nasty head rarely and arbitrarily. So for that reason, I am at the mercy of its behests and, truly, NEED to let that shit out. I also LOVE to weep in solitude so if it does strike when I’m home alone, I treat it like date night with Mr. and Mrs. Smith – a glass of Bordeaux, white table cloth linen, and hand to hand combat with my lover.

So I’d like to share my process, some big wins and major losses associated.

I recently discovered that I have an addiction to pleasure in several forms. Hot showers feel so good that they’re eventually dialed up to scalding hot temperatures that consequently damage the skin – I once had a dermatologist essentially tell me “Hey your skin is itching so often because you’re a fucking idiot that effectively boils himself thrice daily.” That was the medical prognosis so forgive me if it wasn’t perfectly accurate.

I eat food at such an alarmingly fast pace that I invariably get the hiccups each time that I eat. My best friend John watches this with great revulsion and literally coaches me to breath in between bites as if I were Chris Kyle perched atop a rooftop taking a deep breath to steady his sniper’s gaze before executing the enemy….that but for Popeye’s Chicken Sammy’s.

So a few years ago I learned that I deeply deeply enjoy the process of weeping in solitude. It SELDOM happens but when it does, it is cathartic enough to stave off those magical droplets of dew for several months. SO last week I felt a disturbance in the force, took a little puffy puffy of some smoky smoky to enhance the experience, went to my room and tossed on some musical melancholy. The feelings and thoughts that I had been suppressing for a while came boomeranging to the forefront: Sad but excited to be leaving Colorado for a few months. Sad because I felt like I was just acclimating and developing great relationships that are being put on hold. Excited to go be a sun slut in Florida. Saddened by the oddity that is tearing down an identity and trying to reinvent certain aspects of my life - a beautifully complex sensation. Saddened by the ACHE in my gut being away from my best friends in the world back in Atlanta but delighted by the absolute mayhem of a weekend that we shared over halloween. Feeling equally motivated to do whatever is needed to live there part of the year. I feel so lucky to have brothers as friends that quite literally hold me up at times – looking at you John ;)

So all of these things were on a cerebral crusade and I was ready to have a full blown SESH. I had also just purchased some AirPod Pros that day so all external noise was “canceled out” AS ADVERTISED – Bravo on that front, Apple – I was cleaning the room and the first few tears started to well up. The time was nigh – I was about to explode like that time I was squeezing an Icebreaker Liquid Gels mint near my eye and it popped into my literal retina. The tears were coming forth and just as I began my transformation from Real Human Male to Scrunched Up Man of Tears, my Airpod Pros slipped out of my ears and came toppling – almost in slow motion – to the floor. I watched the whole process and felt the catharsis sucked out of my soul by the Sadness Succubus that was pasted to the top of my ceiling the whole time – ready to pounce and bogart me of that which I so rightfully DESERVED.

Who knows when I’ll get to that point again.

This has been an AirPod Pro Review – They fall out entirely too often.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Customer